An Eeyore State Of Mind

I find myself only blogging when I'm in a funk. It's rather annoying as I wish I was inspired to write about fabulous things as well. Maybe that just requires practice.

So, here's the deal...It's January 8th...tomorrow is January 9th and a certain man-child turns 29. We shall refer to him as a man-child for he struggles with commitment and shit. Anyhoo, it's one of those days that I keep him in my thoughts extra because...well...just because. Mainly because I wish I had the chance to experience it with him. But alas, these things are not so.

That being said, it's been getting tougher and tougher recently. It's (of course) following it's usual trajectory. I hear from him, see him a couple times, he disappears...I do ok...do ok...do not so ok...do bad bad bad...and then I hear from him again. At least - that's been the pattern. Melissa (the T) has given me the go-ahead to email him next Wednesday. (Day before our appointment so that if I fuck up and freak out I have damage control 24 hours later).

I want answers....I want to know why he does it... My big thing is that I'm not sure if:
A. He contacts me because he wants to have sex, etc., but then feels guilty and drops off the earth.
B. He contacts me because he misses me but, as soon as we hang out, he's reminded that I'm leaving. Think about it... When we met up in October, he disappeared while I was back in WA...going to the graduate school I want to attend. The time before that, it was right after my birthday and I was finishing my junior year. I contacted him to tell him I was staying another year. Maybe the school year ending reminded him that it wasn't long before I'd be gone.

Here's the thing....I don't want to leave SLC...and certainly not simply for him. I have a life here now - full of friends, 'family', great restaurants, secret spots, etc. At home...I have some ocean, parents I like to see occasionally, and a bestie I wouldn't get to see much anyways. Oh...and a school I want to go to if I get in. After that though...I want to come back to Utah. I want to come back to pretty tulips and mountain trails. I want to play with a golden retriever and cuddle up with strawberry popsicles. I want to see Katie become a precocious little girl. And...let's be honest, I want my Kneaders french toast! If it's really about me leaving...I will be back...and..yeah. Who knows.

There's the update. I often wish that I didn't have such a relationship-based mind and life. I suppose that's just how I'm wired though and it's certainly not entirely a bad thing. I adore the relationships and bonds I create but, as apparent with R, have an incredibly difficult time when they end and I'm not ready for them to.

Here's to the future.