Damn You Karmic Lesson

This is seriously uncalled for. I know that it's a karmic lesson because NO ONE is available to talk and I'm getting closer and closer to the brink...and really should be studying. Blech.

I just want him to call. He said he would...why hasn't he? What the hell am I supposed to be learning here? Is it: I'm ok on my own.
I can't rely on others to bring me happiness.
Even if I try REALLY REALLY hard, not everything I want will happen...
Time to be a strong independent girl? Boo to that I say.

I'm just not feeling this. I want my Ryan. I want my Dink. I feel like I'm SO close but...he just keeps slipping away and all I'm left with is a file of pictures, amazing memories, and stinging eyes.

And...Fly

“Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do.”

I've been trying to come to terms with various sides of myself lately. How does one component fit in with the rest and does it's undeniable inclusion make me a 'better' or 'worse' person. How will it change the way society and the people I care about view me? Does it make me less of a 'good' person?

Here's the thing though...I only have this one life...and who knows how long it really is. If I have a chance to do something that resonates with a part of me...that brings me excitement and increases my overall understanding of myself...I should do it. I feel like I make sure to consider if my actions will bring direct pain to myself and those I care about and, if it doesn't, and I continue to feel drawn to it...why the hell not?

Life is for living...for experiencing...for taking those leaps off the cliffs and enjoying the exhilaration that we all deserve to have in our lives and memories.

I plan on having some incredible experiences to reflect upon when I'm old and wrinkled and tearing up the retirement home. I will...I am...I will always make sure that I truly live.

Revelations...Not To Be Confused With Relevations

You know…it’s always an interesting occurrence when you attempt to break into a new environment…a new group of friends…a new job…a new ‘lifestyle’. How do you stay true to who you are while also doing the supposedly needed modifications? Since when do I need to change the way I view myself? Actually…on that note…I started doing this to celebrate my body and myself. Instead…I’m listening, and believing as gospel, a very opinionated but well-meaning person who laments to me about all the photoshopping he needs to do on my photos and how, “if I ever want to make it” I need to know how to present my nose because…let’s face it “my body is my selling point…not my face”. This doesn’t work for me.

It becomes apparent that I’m letting some of ‘me’ go when a dear friend hears a conversation, recognizes my hurt and anger, and has the incredible ability to reign me back in to what I know is true. I am a beautiful, smart, caring, neurotic, and messy girl/woman. My body is my body and it’s perfect the way it is…especially given what I’ve put it through. My face is my face and plastic surgery is just adding a mask to what is supposed to be.

My career may not matter to those who see me in a specific light and who have (graciously) taken it upon themselves to promote me in the world and for the sake of “fashion” and “modeling”. But my career is important to me. My goal of helping others WILL NOT be hindered by comments that affirm my always-lingering feelings of self-degradation. I’m better than that. This all started to celebrate…and now I find myself afraid of doing the wrong thing for fear pictures will end up where they shouldn’t and goals will be affected. This wasn’t the plan. Now…how to get back to me?