Red Alert

Today was one of those days I'm glad only come around rarely (fingers crossed). Life and I have had quite a good relationship lately. We laugh together, hold hands, eat french toast, etc. It's really quite cute. Today...today things turned ugly. Mucho ugly.

Within an hour I went from totally fine to in hyper freak-out mode. Suddenly I was Madeline and everything was not right...it was quite wrong! Here's the kicker though...I knew that my thoughts were entirely irrational. In fact, I could create very logical and probable reasons for what I was anxious about. It didn't seem to matter though. What has subsequently bothered me slightly more than those fears themselves...is the fact that I'm not entirely sure as to what set it all off. That's a scary scary feeling to not know why you're feeling a certain way.

For the first time in a long time, I did not want to be around me. I didn't feel so fabulous knowing that I had to sit with myself...confused...and upset. See...normally, if a car breaks down and you don't know why, you can get out of the car, send it off to someone to fix, and not have to deal with it. Not quite the same when it's yourself.

Definitely a weird day and while my concerns have neither been confirmed or gotten rid of, I feel slightly more in control of myself. Hooray for that and hooray for continuing to work on creating a 'self' that I can stand to be around for the rest of my life ;)

To help, I spent the evening with Jenna and we ate num-nums and I tried on Anthropologie dresses because that always always always makes me feel better...and it did :)

Epic Fails Of The Male Race

I would like to file a formal complaint...against whom? Boys of the world...those dick-ish, stupid, think with the wrong head boys.

One might ask what has me all riled up...I'm here to tell you about just a few small examples of the masses of idiotic things 'boys' have accomplished over the eons of time. Let's start at the beginning shall we?

Adam...of Adam and Eve...I'm pretty sure he was the one who munched on a yummy apple. It's always the guys messing things up of course.

King Henry VIII...while deliciously hot in The Tudors...kind of a douche in his time. Beheading is not so nice. Just saying. Neither is banishing...

Hitler...serious issues...liked to pee on girls...creepy...among other things

George Bush (Jr. and Sr.) Copy-catting names of an idiot man to his son never turns out well. Exhibit A:...nuff said

South Carolina Senator, Mark Sanford - Argentinian affair...don't cry for me. (If anyone gets that you've made my day)


Have I made my case yet? No, here are more details of interest:

Women live longer than men...why? So that we have a few years of sanity at the end.

Kids...they come out of women (gross, btw) why? Guys whine too much and are just generally less pleasant to be around when grumpy.

Men usually maintain short hair and only shave their faces (if at all)...why? They can't be trusted with a razor or a haircut that requires more than 5 seconds of effort. Please see clothing choices as well.


Point made.


Let's discuss the idiotic boys that wander aimlessly around my life. I'd like to spotlight a personal favorite this evening for closer inspection. Friends, may I present Mark...in all his cocky, little boy power-struggle glory...or gory? Both...yes both.

Here's a little background for ya:
As you might know, I have recently returned from an epic (in every sense of the word) trip to England and Ireland. I was not, in the least attracted, attracted to the friend (guy) that I went to see.

Mark texted me last night to inquire how I was doing (a likely story of course). I informed him of the fabulous summer I've been having and he proceeded to ask when I was leaving for Europe...already happened. His next question...So did you sleep with him? Just wondering... Since when has that ever been an appropriate thing to ask someone...an ex that you're trying to woo back no less?

The only redeeming moment of that entire interaction was the fact that I responded by informing him that, regardless of the answer, it was simply none of his business.


Ladies, I could certainly go on to discuss a myriad of other stupid boy stories but, for the sake of time and sanity, I shall cease now...one must pace out these delicious stories of absurdity after all.

MHA (Man Haters Anonymous)

So I'm in a hating mood. My dearest Amanda returned from her home sweet home this evening. Clifford was upstairs after having picked her up and I asked him if he wouldn't mind sending Amanda up when she had a second. He asked to which I replied that I wanted to see if she could pick me up from the airport. Here's where the hating started:

Cliff: "Oh, yeah she'll be able to pick you up."

Devon: "Let me just ask...I'd much rather she make that decision for herself."

Cliff: "Well she's just out of class so she can do it."

Devon: "What if she doesn't want to? Let's just ask her."


Seriously Cliff.... How is it ever appropriate to speak for your girlfriend? I'm quite tired of his patronizing nonsense towards me. Contrary to popular belief, I already have a daddy who's quite adept at providing the daddy worries and questions. I absolutely have no need for my roommate's boyfriend...who is only around because of his attachment to his girlfriend...to give me lectures on my choices.

Alright, that's all. This was a small rant...but a rant nonetheless. Here's to putting the silly boys in their places...

The 'M' Word

Alright...let's assess. Perhaps it's just because I'm in Utah...or that I know a large number of Mormons. Seriously though people - what's with getting hitched? I mean, hell, we're barely in our 20's (some of us at least...) and we're already donning the white dress, crazy amounts of hairspray, and plastering smiles on.

Let's not deny the fact that yes, occasionally I wouldn't mind being one of those girls with the long veils. This desire is tamed by the knowledge of several things:

• Studies show that marriages at younger ages have higher divorce rates.



• I have a hell of a lot left to explore and play around with.



• I refuse to settle.



• I really need to live on my own before settling down.



• I like my personal space and life. Hell, I love going to bed alone and being able to sprawl out.



• If I really need the white pretty dress, that's what pretending and going to wedding stores is for...as is the jewelry store game that I've perfected with several friends.

I think we're used to hearing about the magic of weddings, honeymoons, etc. We've all heard about the honeymoon effect as well. Plus, if we're going to get down to it, there are a lot of benefits that go out the window once you get hitched.

• Using the parentals' insurance is gone.



• Personal time/space is nixed.



• Friends? What friends?



• Is it ok to skip a day of showering...probably not...now someone else has to smell you too.



• If you sleep with someone, you can't play solitaire on your ipod as easily.



• Guys snore.



• When can you have a good cry?

See what I'm saying? Yes, getting married will be an incredible occasion...in 7 years. I have so much growing up and learning to do. For now, I'll look at pictures of wedding dresses and fantasize about colors and themes...and take comfort that I don't have to worry about money, grumpy in-laws, and a cold-footed groom. Ah the joys of imagination.

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White Pants and Chocolate Milk

Word to the wise - when drinking Horizon Organic Chocolate Milk, never ever squeeze the container. One ends up with a face and shirt full of chocolate milk and, while pretty and funny, is not really at all.

In about 48 hours I hop on a couple of planes and end up in London. Kinda crazy right? I've never been before and let's be honest, am rather nervous about going. I'm one of those people who, a week before a big trip, flips out because they won't be in control, know their way around, etc. Yep - that's me! To combat this feeling of impending doom, I have done what any smart traveler does...buy a shit ton of junk food. Let's see...white cheddar popcorn, butterfingers, peanut butter m&ms, tropical starburts, and twizzlers. Not bad for about 21 hours on planes. I feel solid about it.

Of course I'll take oodles of pictures and post the good ones. I wouldn't be me if I didn't!

My dad made me watch Taken so now I know that it's a bad idea to tell cute french guys where I'm staying oh, and don't do drugs. It's always good to have a daddy who's kick ass at shooting a gun, scuba diving, etc. This means that if I'm stupid and get myself caught up in an Albanian prostitution ring, mon pere can come save me. Weeee.

Here's to a fabulous time in England and Ireland - complete with sleeping pills galore.

The 'Do's and Dont's' of Getting the Girl

Let's start with the bad news, shall we?

What NOT to do:

• text at early hours
• text repeatedly when I have not responded to the first one. You're coming on too strong and I'm already annoyed with you.
• stare at my chest and/or ass. I'm here fyi...
• make me feel expendable
• ask me if I'm having a fun time or if I'm ok over...and over...and over.
• poke and prod. If I want to talk, I will. Don't push me.
• talk about marriage on the first date. No, I will not be your sugar momma so that you can stay home and watch the kids...talk about disturbing.
• insult my political, ideological, social views. It's always a good plan to keep politics, capital punishment, abortion, suicide, diets, etc., off the table for as long as possible. Oh, and nix the exes. I don't care what Sarah or Amanda did that was terrible...or great. Just don't give a shit.
• ask me if you're 'good'...or how you compare with other guys. Annoying, impossible to answer, and fucked up in general.
• ask me for 'naughty' or 'dirty' pictures. It goes back to the whole respect concept...novel isn't it?
• be obliviously rude and degrading.

What TO Do To Win The Girl:

• come prepared with a general but flexible date plan.
• smell yummy
• look good...but not over the top. Show me that you've taken the time to make yourself presentable but not to the point where it looks like all you want is to get laid.
• please...whatever you do...don't try too hard. Desperate is a HUGE turn-off. It's time to realize this.
• Comment on something other than what I'm wearing...generally eyes or...hey! perhaps a personality trait!
• share yourself with me. Tell me what makes you special...don't brag though.
• attempt to be slightly intuitive...listen for cues. I'll give them.
• laugh
• admit your faults but show your strengths.
• like dogs and cats.
• cook.
• give amazing back rubs
• make me happy.

It may sound complicated but I promise, in the beginning, it's more about what NOT to do. Leave me intrigued. Suggest that I give You a call. It shows you have confidence in yourself and respect my decisions. Always a good combo. End the night with a good hug and a smile. Don't try for a kiss...don't try to gush to me about how much fun you've had. It should be apparent either way. Last but not least, don't ask me the night went for me...I'll let you know. Wait until the next day or the day after to text me.

So there you go, gentlemen. Read it and follow. Your chances with both me and basically any girl will improve exponentially if you do.

That's all for now. Be.

He's Just Not That Into You

Fabulous movie - even better message.Who the hell needs a guy, right? In all honesty, they can be fun at times but so annoying and aggravating most of the time. I have much more important things to do with my life than sit around petting egos, being the arm candy, the disposable toy.

For those of you who don't know, I've taken up dating like a guy. It's actually quite interesting. I'm by no means a pro, but it is a learning experience...that's for sure.

This blog will, for a short time at least, become rather like Secret Diary of a Call Girl. How so? A bit of a diary of the down and dirty. Mind you, nothing too risque...although very few people read this anyways ;)

Let's review how last night went:

8pm - met up with Dan. I had been promised a fabulous massage and was definitely let down. He's a bit of a cocky bastard and I don't anticipate seeing him again. I don't do cocky and I don't play his sort of games.

10pm - dropped Dan off and texted Kevin. I was on my way to the store for some yum yums but thought I'd give Kevin a try. As luck would have it, the sexy chef/army Sergeant happened to have made some delicious chicken Alfredo and rolls. Score for me. We hung out for a while, he wore his uniform (mmmm dirty) and then I got bored.

Kevin is one of those guys who asks for a kiss and we emerge 20 minutes later. He doesn't really understand (respect) the concept of a peck kiss. Let's be honest here...he was busy trying to please me...and I was thinking about a decent way to leave gracefully. He's a fairly talented guy, extra hot, army, cook, blah blah blah...but I dunno...a tad on the boring side. I'll keep him around though - he is sweet and does indeed mean well...in a physical way at least. Not sure he cares on the emotional level which is fine since I don't either ;)

Boys are silly creatures...they have a hard time balancing the chase with the extremes. I'm absolutely turned off by the guys waiting on my every move...and frustrated beyond words at those who play fucked up mind games. I'm going to let you in on a secret boys...girls like a bit of a chase. We want respect. We want teasing. We want cute little presents. We don't want to be smothered.

Hmmm this gives me material for another post: What to do and what not to do to get the girl:

As for the ending of this - here are some lyrics from my uber fabulous Jenna:

I am extraordinary, if you'd ever get to know me I am extraordinary, I am just your ordinary average every day sane psycho super-goddess