Debbie Downer

So..yeah...gonna be that Debbie Downer tonight. The Grandpa is having a rather hard go of it and went back to the hospital today. It hasn't really hit me until this past week though (odd since I was up there and saw him) I think all this talking in grad school about end of life dignity has really hit close to home and I feel like I can better understand how shitty his situation must be.

Apparently when you're all grown up in grad school you have to keep a journal...so here's mine from today:

So my grandpa is back in the hospital tonight. He spent over a week in it last month and things are quickly turning towards a downward spiral. A lot of the topics we’ve brought up in classes this week are so so so applicable to him and I find myself thinking of him a great deal. He has a home health aide, PT, OT, and hospice worker coming into the house throughout the week. He’s constantly bombarded by people trying to ‘help him’ and yet, at the same time, he feels completely helpless. This is a guy who built the house these people are walking into. He raised a family. He drove a car until about 2 years ago. He’s never needed assistance like this from others and certainly not from strangers. He feels…completely attacked. His dignity is gone. He feels emasculated needing to go to the ER because he can’t urinate. He’s expressed a wish that Alaska was a pro-euthanasia state. And I sit here. Wondering.

Is it bad to wish someone you care about to be dead? In this case…I don’t really think so. His quality of life is practically non-existent. His pride is gone, pain overwhelming, and really…what is there left to attend to? I hope that he is able to go peacefully and quickly…I can’t even imagine the emotions he must be going through each day – wondering what will happen to his wife after he passes, who will take care of the house, who will feed the hummingbirds outside the window, who will shovel the path for my grandma, etc. Who will be here? I just want to whisper, “we all will be, Grandpa. It’s ok to let go now.”

This is actually the first time I’ve cried over this…and, as nerdy and/or bad as it sounds, it helps my understanding of my future patients when I put my Grandpa in their shoes…how would I want to interact with them? How would I show them the utmost respect and provide them with as much maintenance of dignity as I could?

Lots of questions and no answers.