A Case of the Gratefuls

It's been over a month since I last blogged. In those 5 weeks, I've spent a great deal of time being frustrated with school, angry about my decision, and struggling to stay afloat. As October has come to a close and November has been ushered in, I've started to change my mentality a bit. I've realized that school gets easier if I just accept it...and go for it...go big or go home. Well, I have to go big TO go home.

I've started to put in more time studying and it's been paying off. A pop quiz yesterday in anatomy saw me scoring 100% (spelling might have been a bit off but all the actual components were right) Wow - it was such a great feeling!! I've found study partners, the way I study best, quiet times to slip into various rooms to work, etc.

So, even though the volume of homework and studying isn't decreasing (at. all.) things are looking up and I don't feel like I'm struggling to stay afloat quite as much. With that being said, one of my classmates has started a 'Thanksgiving A Day" posting. Each day for the month of November she writes at least one thing she's grateful for. Naturally, I think it's a stellar plan and think I'll do it as well... Here we go:

November 1st: I'm grateful that studying has paid off

November 2nd: I'm grateful for crisp fall days with leaves blustering around me, the ocean waves rolling in, and the first chai eggnog of the season in my hand.

(Please ignore the strange yellow tint and lack of nose...silly cellphone camera)

It's All In The Signs...

You know you're really starting to struggle when you start looking towards bad coping mechanisms to get you out of situations...without admitting defeat.

Ugh.

Alright, Alright!

So here we are...3 weeks into graduate school and, as any good student should do, I've come up with a Plan B for if school doesn't go so well. I mean, let's be honest...I've already had an anatomy quiz and a quiz in a basic theory class and I'm realizing that school is tough shit. I don't really like super tough things. Thus...my Plan B.

Plan A: go to grad school, become a super awesome occupational therapist.

Plan B: don't go to grad school and become a super awesome trophy wife.

Let's compare: studying and doing shitty on tests vs. traveling and shopping...tough tough call.

Ohh if only I could be content being a trophy wife. Le sigh. I'd probably have to take up tennis or something equally as fancy-shmanzy.

Debbie Downer

So..yeah...gonna be that Debbie Downer tonight. The Grandpa is having a rather hard go of it and went back to the hospital today. It hasn't really hit me until this past week though (odd since I was up there and saw him) I think all this talking in grad school about end of life dignity has really hit close to home and I feel like I can better understand how shitty his situation must be.

Apparently when you're all grown up in grad school you have to keep a journal...so here's mine from today:

So my grandpa is back in the hospital tonight. He spent over a week in it last month and things are quickly turning towards a downward spiral. A lot of the topics we’ve brought up in classes this week are so so so applicable to him and I find myself thinking of him a great deal. He has a home health aide, PT, OT, and hospice worker coming into the house throughout the week. He’s constantly bombarded by people trying to ‘help him’ and yet, at the same time, he feels completely helpless. This is a guy who built the house these people are walking into. He raised a family. He drove a car until about 2 years ago. He’s never needed assistance like this from others and certainly not from strangers. He feels…completely attacked. His dignity is gone. He feels emasculated needing to go to the ER because he can’t urinate. He’s expressed a wish that Alaska was a pro-euthanasia state. And I sit here. Wondering.

Is it bad to wish someone you care about to be dead? In this case…I don’t really think so. His quality of life is practically non-existent. His pride is gone, pain overwhelming, and really…what is there left to attend to? I hope that he is able to go peacefully and quickly…I can’t even imagine the emotions he must be going through each day – wondering what will happen to his wife after he passes, who will take care of the house, who will feed the hummingbirds outside the window, who will shovel the path for my grandma, etc. Who will be here? I just want to whisper, “we all will be, Grandpa. It’s ok to let go now.”

This is actually the first time I’ve cried over this…and, as nerdy and/or bad as it sounds, it helps my understanding of my future patients when I put my Grandpa in their shoes…how would I want to interact with them? How would I show them the utmost respect and provide them with as much maintenance of dignity as I could?

Lots of questions and no answers.

Marco Polo Is Lost

You know...sometimes it's hard to stay on track, focus, remember what you're worth, etc. And, sometimes, you are engaged to a girl on three different occasions and then you prepare to marry her. There's an issue when you then return to your first 'true for always' love and say...'I wish I was marrying you."

I feel bad for everyone involved in that situation but have come to the conclusion (better late than never) that it's not a situation that I have any reason to be involved in. His mom will inform me if anything happens to him but other than that..it's my place to turn away. He needs to gain comfort and advice from his wife - not his ex. He needs to look to his wife for happiness and love. And, if/when this doesn't happen, he needs to have the balls to break things off with her...for himself and not for the faint hope that he could possibly get back together with me. It's not happening and I hope, for both their sakes, that they feel like the marriage is/was worth their time. It's rather disconcerting when he's already planning on divorcing her and the wedding isn't for another 2 weeks.

C'est la vie.

Here's the moral of the story: stay out of drama and enjoy life on a day to day basis. This is your life - it belongs to no one else. Make sure that you fill it with things and people who bring you joy. Make sure you laugh. Make sure you eat plenty of french toast. The end.

Ready. Set. Go!

This has been an incredible summer. I moved back to Seattle (temporarily), spent a week in Hawaii, made a quick trip to Portland for lunch, hung out with the family up in Alaska, and drove back down to Utah - both SLC and Moab for a week. Phew. My jet-setting life is sadly coming to an end though. In order to properly mourn the loss of a stellar summer, I've attached a few pictures:

Let the lifelessness of school begin to take hold. ;)

An Oath of Love

Dearest EC,

I love the way even your presence brings me such great joy. I love your carefree nature and flexibility. If I decide I want to do something else with you...you're perfectly content to come along for the ride. I love how well you get along with Tina...because that's important.

There are so many interesting aspects about you...different flavors if you will. I love getting to know each one - really spending time with you.

EC...you truly are an incredible being.

It hurts to say this but..here we go. Sometimes it feels like too much of you is simply too much. I adore you, yes..but I feel as if you have a toxic grip on me if we spend too much time together. I can literally feel you killing me slowly...and I hate it. I hate it so SO SO much.

I don't like to put limits on our relationship but, for my health and sanity, I'm afraid I must. Wouldn't want you causing me a heart attack now would we?

So, dear EC, I am here...here to be yours...sparingly..which translates to roadtrips and/or every 6 months. Until we meet again...

A Bad Case Of...

In preparation for my trip to Maui on monday, I have taken the last week or so to go tanning. The goal: don't get ridiculously burned in Hawaii. No worries - I've taken care of that ahead of time. I made the mistake of going the evening of one day and then the morning of the next. I'm absolutely regretting it all. Hah...

That being said, I'm not sure if I had an allergic reaction to the spray that had JUST been used before I hopped in the bed or if it was mostly actually sunburn. Regardless, I've got a BAD case of the itchies and scratchies. My tummy looks like it's been attacked by rabid antelopes...or something equally as frightening. Looks like it's time for a little aloe vera and some Dramamine. Shweeet.

Damn you, tanning bed of doom! You make me tan(ish)..less pasty pale but you also cause the itches. Curses on you.

Cuddle Bug

I'm missing this warm and fuzzy friend (and her owner, Ryan...big surprise there)

Here's to (hopefully) next month and seeing the two of them...

When All Else Fades

I've made the big move back to Seattle and am attempting to settle in a bit...definitely missing my city of the salty lake though. I've already got my first trip back set up - next month. I know...kinda desperate of me but what can ya do?

It's frustrating because everyone keeps saying that I'll make new friends..that it'll be ok. Well...I know I'll make new friends and I'm not at all concerned about it. The thing is...I will miss and treasure my friendships in Salt Lake. It's just not the same being so far away. I can't go see Jenna whenever I need to. I can't entertain the thought of hanging out with Ryan. I can't go cuddle with Andrew and I certainly can't go get Kneaders. I'm not concerned about making new friends. I'm concerned about growing apart from my home and my 'family' there.

It'll be ok of course...I'm not worried about that either. I just hope that the relationships I treasure don't become the relationships I treasured

Here's to 'making new friends but keeping the old'...because ya know... 'one is silver and the other's gold'. Or..something like that.

In The Blink Of An Eye

My heart is aching for so many people right now - it's rather surreal. Within the past month, Mark has suffered a tragic loss, Sarah has shattered her L1 and L3 vertebrae, Kait has been in and out of the ER, Ryan has, once more, disappeared, great uncle passed away, and my dearest Kristen's little brother died suddenly.

We're constantly reminded of just how fragile and fleeting life as we know it is. Please...if you do nothing else today, tell those you care about that you love them. Who truly knows if it's the last time you'll have the joy of spending time with them.

For all of those I care about who have suffered a loss....my heart reaches out for you. Know that you are constantly in my thoughts and prayers.

I love you..

The Sad Reality

The situation with Mark wasn't exactly as I'd thought...read this article and make sure to take a minute to remember just how fleeting life truly is. Say "I love you" often and with all your heart.

http://www.macombdaily.com/articles/2010/06/08/news/doc4c0d343b07be2242853336.txt#photo1

A Long Ways Away wrote on Jun 9, 2010 4:16 PM:

" I never knew you personally but my heart still reaches out to you and your loved ones. Your ultimate sacrifice is one that won't be forgotten.

God bless and protect both you and your brothers who still serve and fight for our country. Let them all come home and properly honor your life by living their own lives to the full potential. No more death is needed...

- DCG "

At Long Last

Yes...yes I do believe it's a happy post at long last! Now that certainly doesn't mean that fabulous things haven't been happening but those around me have certainly had their fair share of shitty things occur lately and, consequently, I feel for them.

This post is about the wonders of Utah Pride 2010. Ah yes, I've spent a bit of time at Pride. Last year I worked the booth for 10,000 Villages and had a surprisingly decent time in the rain. This year was much different and better. It was in the low 80's, bright, clear skies, and I got to see the parade!

Here's Adam representing gays who honorably serve in our Armed Forces. I heart that kid, mucho. I'm also quite glad that things are slowly but surely taking shape regarding the outdated "don't ask, don't tell" policy. But, let's be honest...it was never "indated"...it's always been wrong. The end.

My dear Andrew got to get allllllll dressed up in his leather regalia and throw his new whip around a bit. The night before I got to throw it around for A taught me how to use it. I'm not good at all though.

Then he found me and caught me! Eeeeep!

I also got to spend time with my Stacy and Kada and explore the festival a bit. Chatted with a tipsy Matt...who was still ridiculously cute - duh - and even managed to get the back of one arm burned...but just one, mind you.

I love Pride and I love how happy and accepting people are there. Yay for social progress!

I Don't Pray...But...

Apparently Mark flew back to the US from A-Town to escort his fallen friend, Anthony, to his funeral. Goodness...that has got to be so incredibly difficult.

My role in Mark's life has changed drastically over the years but it's at times like these that I wish I could comfort him as I used to...and hold him close.

You're all in my thoughts and prayers.

Here's to the memories...

The Reality

As previously talked about, I've been a bit out of the loop when it comes to military news, etc. I'm still friends with Mark's mom on facebook though, so some of the things she likes or joins pops up on my page. (Let's be honest...we allll have facebook and know exactly now it works) Today she joined a group for remembering LCpl Anthony DiLisio. I went to the page to find out a bit more. In it I found pictures of Mark and Anthony, comments from friends and loved ones, etc. I also found a link to his girlfriend's page. Her posts after his death were so touching and so incredibly telling.

I tried to find his information on a variety of websites - icasualties.com, washingtonpost, etc but none of them have him listed yet.

It's a weird feeling...the way technology works. To know about someone before the rest of the world..without really knowing the person at all. I can't even begin to imagine what his dear Rachel must be feeling at this point. I can picture the men in dress blues walking up to her door...just as I pictured them walking up to my door night after night.

I suppose, on this day...this Memorial Day, that support and love should be sent out to Rachel and Anthony's family. What a trying time we live in... Here's to the end coming quickly and with no more flag-draped coffins to fly back to the US.

God bless.

Details, Details

After being woken up at the terrifying hour of (gulp) 3:30 am, I find myself unable to fall back asleep instantly. So much has happened and/or is about to happen. Phew...let's recap.

1. Rocked a super shitty viral infection for almost a month. Ugh :( Finally allll better.
2. Figured out just how much debt I'll be in after grad school. Talk about a shit ton...
3. Found a dream job that will pay off that debt mucho quickly. It's called (hopefully) you're looking at, in 2.5 years, an OT down at Camp Pendleton treating TBI anddd PTSD. Double score. With a super sweet salary and government perks. Quadruple score. It'll be strange to be back down there under a (slightly) similar situation. This time I'll actually get to be ON the base. Hah...oh the memories.
4. Graduation is tomorrow - eeepers.
5. R and I...well...yeah.

I dunno...I'm really going to miss R. At the same time though, I can recognize that it's time to move on...whether it's permanent or not remains to be seen I suppose. He was being so amazing for a while but, alas, it has come to an end. I'm actually ok with it this time around. Those of you who have seen me on prior occasions can attest to the fact that it's been oh-so-rough in the past. This is a bit different however. I'm certainly mourning the separation but am at (pretty much) peace regarding it. So I guess that's good. I mean...we only had a few more weeks anyways.

I always forget who knows about this blog and then find myself trying to remember and censor accordingly. Meh...here's the deal...this is mine. This is me. And yes, if you're one of a few people that might know about the blog, you could possibly be...well...rather upset. Same time though, if you don't want to read it...then don't. Plus, most of you (like 2 people ;) should know how I feel about the situation.

That being said...the house is FINALLY calmed down!!!! A has moved out at long last and I can finally breathe easy. It got really dicey near the end and I found myself holding my tongue much more than I'm a fan of doing. There are SO many things I'd enjoy sharing with A...alas, one of us had to be the bigger person ;)

Graduation is tomorrow - at long last. It's weird because I've been done with school for a while and we're just now graduating. Meh. I'm really glad I turned down speaking at it though...no one wants to listen to a student speak during a 3.5 hour long ordeal of doom. That being said, it would have made a cool thing to put on my resume and tuck away for reflection later. Plus, it's on my bucket list to increase the number of people I've talked in front of. My current record is only about 350 :( Here's to the conferences yet to come. Yay business trips!

Chatted with an old friend for a while a bit ago. Damn that time difference though - ugh. He's one of the VERY few I'll make an exception for and he knows it. Grrrr. ;) Anyways, we were talking about how much I've changed (for the better) over the past few years and I think it's quite true. I'm pleased with who I'm becoming and recognize that I've still got A TON of work to do. They say grad school is a time to grow...we shall see.

I think I'm finally ready to fall back asleep after the call. Here's to the dark night with the bright moon shining through. Here's to you and all that you have and continue to accomplish - whomever you are.

Pics to be attached at a more appropriate hour.

M Day

So it's almost Mother's Day and the post secrets for it are already up online. Naturally, I've looked and picked out ones that speak to me. As a precursor, it's important to say that while this secret applied to me much of my childhood, I'm so blessed and happy to have a god relationship with my madre now. (Both of my parents actually). (PS - the card says 'heroin' but I, upon first glance, read it as 'heroine' as in...of a novel...The drug part doesn't apply. The being more invested in her books than me...a bit of application potential.)

That being said, this postcard really did hit a chord with me and reminded me of a certain loneliness I experienced as a kiddo. It also reminded me of all the guilt my mom feels when she reflects back on the same time. So tomorrow, I validate her and how far she's come. Her card should have arrived today and in it I thanked her for our closeness now. Everyone makes mistakes and I'm glad to have found a confidant in my mother at long last. (Thank god for a mutual hatred of family therapy!!)

...With...Disdain

Anyone who knows me well knows that, while I hate confrontation, even more so, I hate being degraded and talked down to. Sadly, this has become a recurrent theme at our house lately and, I fear, will carry through to the end of our lease. Part of me is mourning - mourning the loss of an associate, the safety and simplicity of our house, etc. More than that though, I'm livid. I'm beyond frustrated at the situation and the person that it's most intimately associated with...scratch that...make that people.



I will not tolerate being verbally assaulted.



I will not tolerate being afraid to move about my own house.



I will not tolerate the look of utter disgust that you present to me each and every time you see me.



I WILL NOT apologize for things I have not done or transgressions you falsely accuse me of.



In fact, it's YOU who should be apologizing. You should be the one helping us find a new roommate. You should be the one who puts the empty toilet paper roll in the recycling. You should be the one to do your chores. You should be the one respecting your housemates in your incessant and unending sex-capades that can be heard through a door, up the stairs, and over a loud movie. You should be the one attempting to reconcile...to clean up your oil stain...to treat those you live with with at least respect and civility. Because this...what you're doing now...is nothing close to that.



As I sit listening to your potluck in the backyard...that you invited all of our mutual friends to...except for S, J, and I, I realize something. Despite wishing to say hello to my friends down there, I'm relieved to not be there dealing with you. I've heard you talk shit about more than one person you now sit giggling with.



I'm sorry for the lost friendship but, more than that, I'm sorry I let you take my dignity..even for just a few days. No more. This is my house...just as much as it is yours...and possibly more...since, after all, it IS my parents' names on the lease. Isn't that how it goes? Hmmmm.

Blatant Disregard

I was texting M today (I know, I know - bad me) and he was giving me a brief rundown of the past little bit over in A-town (Afghanistan). I was rather surprised...

I pride myself on keeping up-to-date on current events and global news. How is it that I've missed the numerous soldiers who have given their lives in the past months? It seems as though the news is kinda over it. Unless it's a local station that has lost a local guy, no station gives a damn.

As much as I don't support the war, even more than that, I fully support our troops. They do something I'd never have the guts, strength, or discipline in the face of extreme duress to face.

I guess the moral of this story is that it's not over yet and we shouldn't forget them. As a future OT who wants desperately work with veterans dealing with TBI and/or PTSD, I'm embarrassed and saddened by the country's lack of respect and care.

So, strange though it is, here's one for M...who has promised to return home safely. No matter what.. Because, let's be honest...for all the shit he's put me through, ranting I've done about it, and all the anger and sadness I've felt towards him, he'll always be my Impossible Jerk and I'll always care for him.

Ze End

So...I think it's fair to say that there comes a time when one is just...just done. It's even fairer to say I'm miles past that point already.

I find myself stuck in a catch-22. There are parts of me that are so excited to pack up and move on to the next chapter of my life. I'm ready for a new room, my bitchy cats, own bathroom (don't hate..I'm a girl), and being one step closer to having my fantabulous career. Then I realize I have to say goodbye to people and places here. I think that's rather shitty.

So, while there are some parts of this moment in time that I can't wait to move on from, the ones that keep me pining for (gulp...never thought I'd say this) Utah are a bit overwhelming. I'd prefer not to have the reasons I want to leave be increased however...just an fyi.

I think it's time to sharpen some more colored pencils and get some sleep.

Indeeds

White On White

It snowed last night and this morning.

The ground and trees and cars and bushes and EVERYTHING was covered in a cold white blanket.

It was beautiful.

Today the sun shown and the wind blew.

But the blanket stayed nestled down to comfort.

Today balloons soared towards Heaven...

And took part of the cold blanket with it.

Today I said, "thank you"

With all of my heart

And I let a bit of my heart fly due north as well.

Today I witnessed a miracle and will forever be changed.

Today...today is the day.

Decision

I have decided that I will miss you quite terribly when we've parted ways. That makes me very sad...deep down inside.

Blank Stare

We're talking about foods...sustainable...recipes...etc and I'm realizing that food isn't doing much for me. I'm in a rut in the sense that I am just so over 'stuff' currently. I'm exhausted from school and work and life in general. That translates into having an even harder time coming up with foods.

I'm frustrated....very few things sound good right now and I almost get into a mini panic when it comes to thinking about Me making something. That's a big problem as I'm about to become extra poor.

I'd be much more relaxed to just eat cereal and fruit for meals....no prep involved.

What's my deal??

Ugh

The Look of Astonishment...

There are a lot of astonishing things in the world. One of the age old astonishing things: managing to scream and rant about something without any real reasoning.

Exhibit A: The passing of the Health Care Reform Bill.

I get that you may be mad, angry, pissed, sad, suicidal, sadistic, etc., about it. However, simply saying: FUCK YOU OBAMA! (without a comma) does not actually address the issue...it only further enhances your look of stupidity and arrogance. Give me a reason and I'd take you much more seriously. It seems that everyone is hating on the President currently (but really what's new?) and that's all fine and dandy but they're all short some reasoning. Jumping on the bandwagon without your own reason is pretty much super lame.

I think everyone has a voice and an opinion on the issue and I value hearing both positive and negative viewpoints. That being said, I do not value..in the least..hearing your random, obscenity-ridden bitching. Get over yourself and learn a little bit about the world you reside in.

The shirt reads: Obama-care: Health care hybrid comprised if IRS compassion and Post Office efficiency. Clever but completely pointless and without merit. Then again...when it gets to the point of putting random shit on t-shirts...you know an all-time low has been reached.

Fun-Filled Day

So I helped host a delightful birthday party for Melisa Okur...who is she? She's the daughter of one of the stars of the Utah Jazz basketball team. That meant that I was basically famous today. :D

Corinne and I had a grand ol' time being amazing and have decided that we want to be from Turkey too because apparently everyone is stunningly beautiful there.

Here's a pic of Mehmet and the fam...ok..so just of Mehmet and his beautiful wife:

(The two of them were BEYOND NICE...absolutely ridiculous)

((I also find it kinda strange that you can type in Mehmet Okur and find these sorts of pics....oh the lives of famous peeps. I was really just hoping for a nice cute one of them and the fam...but this shows off her modeling stuff I suppose - hah))

And then, for Corinne: here's me in a panda suit:

And the Salvatore brothers - you have got to watch this show!

Dinner Date

It's like...who can keep their eyes open allll the time? Exactly. R took me up to Ruth's to celebrate getting into my grad school. It would have been last weekend but I was sick...and then he got sick. We have poor timing but make some cute pictures even if we do have droopy eyes and forget to take the photos half the time. Minor details :D

(Plus...here are some we remembered to take!)

Ruth's Diner

Kneaders trip!

Being goofy and bad at taking pics

Videos To Make A Gloomy Day Sunny

Sadly, I have no amazing skills to post the videos on here but, take my word - you want to watch them. Each is no more than 2 minutes but bound to give you oodles of belly laughs.

Kitteh vs. Laser = Kitteh whiplash
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=65gEvENlCLM


Depressed Whales - A Serious Epidemic...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i_dEtaNx2Vc


Kittens Inspired by Kittens - hilarious child
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FtX8nswnUKU


Now go have some giggles and delights.


Llamas Are Mean:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZpjyH-LkEAg&feature=SeriesPlayList&p=FB4D116D74C7B1B8

I Miss You

So...I think you should know that I miss you. I miss hanging out with you and being goofy. I miss our talks and all the shared memories. I won't push...so if/when you're ready to spend time together again - you let me know.

I won't be in Utah for much longer and it's been ever so long.

- Dev

Sharpening Pencils

So I ended up needing to sharpen my delightful colored pencils this evening (for a class) and I realized that it's a pretty swell thing to do. Then I realized I hadn't listed some favorite things recently...and I got all sad and shit. So here we go. You should probably like...prepare yourself or something...maybe grab a dessert...just sayin'.

I like puppies...a lot

I like the University of Puget Sound...because I got in and it's pretty swell...and now I'm a big girl and it's sunny in WA - see??

I like the mountains in Utah and I shall be sad when I need to leave.

I really like tulips because they are pretty.


I like The Lonely Island because they make me giggle deep down inside..and they give me crinkly eyes.

I think rainstorms are swell because they're fun to play in.

I think the original Polly Pocket Cinderella Castle was rad. I don't like the new bigger ones. They don't count.

My favorite piece of music is Moonlight Sonata...this was a cool artistic take on it. In my humble opinion.

Sea turtles are really pretty...and cool...and swim well. I wish I could be a sea turtle. When I have kids, their first Halloween costumes will be sea turtles. Don't you even worry.

Elephant Ears - I think it's a Puyallup Fair thing.

Look at all the pretty colored pencils!!!!

That is all. I know you want to share in my favorite things. You can do so by procuring a puppy for me. The end.

What They Didn't Cover in Driver's Ed...

Now...I'm pretty sure that 'Road Head' wasn't addressed in Drivers Ed. I mean..we talked about the repercussions of talking on the phone (this was before texting was big), drinking and driving, etc...but the issue, the societal problem with Road Head, wasn't attended to.

Ladies and gentlemen...all that 'lack of talking' came to a head today....literally. I was almost killed by another case of Road Head Driving. One has to wonder why there are no billboards discussing this treacherous past time as can be found for drinking and texting while driving. I feel, as a victim of a Road Head attack, that such things should be accessible. The public needs to know about what all goes on in a car; when enough is enough; and when the bedroom becomes mobile.

Consider me shocked, horrified, and ready to write a thesis on the dangers of Road Head.

Brambles and Rambles

I've come to accept that my posts never make much sense, are never spaced out properly, and will never be as 'cool' as some of the others I read...and I think that's just fine. Maybe.

I mean, let's face it. I'm random, at times inconsolable, a nap-aholic, and a helmet nazi. I take my roles seriously and I go all out. If I like you...I reallllly like you. If I dislike you.....there's a pretty big death stare that I'll shoot your way. I have my OCD tendencies and the ol' ED pops up routinely (like rent or a bad weed...or an evil step-mother if you're Cinderella). But you know what...overall...I'm an ok person. It's taken 21.5ish years to realize that I'm just as important as the next Joe Shmoe on the street and I'm proud of myself for how far I've come.

I say this as I sit thinking of some of the people I know. Their lows have been lower and their highs higher than mine have (and hopefully ever will) but that does not change our standing. In the end...we're all just little beings of carbon, might, and heart...trying to push on...to an end unknown.

I don't know about you...but I'm scared shitless and aching for tomorrow already.

Sleet

In my insatiable glee I've neglected to post on here: I got into the University of Puget Sound's Occupational Therapy Masters Program!!!

This basically means that I'm a big girl, you have to take me seriously, and I know my shit...err...or at least I will sometime soon.

I've wanted this for so long and I'm overjoyed that it came true.

Here's to your dreams coming true too. :D

But...

I'm not even that far off...but when I see this picture it makes me rather nostalgic for that body.

...and that's just lame.

Collection Plate

If you know me, you know that I don't read a lot outside of textbooks. It's therefore an honest assumption that I don't like reading. This however, is simply that: an assumption. I do love myself a good book.

With school and life as chaotic as they are, I find myself rarely craving a reading session and it makes me sad. I wish I could close my Child Psychopathology mammoth and flip around to a delightful little novel to munch on. Alas, it is not so. To content myself with that, I've been slowly building up my library of books I have read and DO love tremendously. Ultimately, having a little 'ol library like this would be grand:

My most recent acquisition: A Prayer For Owen Meany. If you haven't read it, do so...and you might be able to borrow it from me as it arrived safely to my bookshelf just today. It joins A Tale of Two Cities, Rebecca, postsecret books, Northwest Design book, and random other things. I'm pretty sure you're jealous...and I don't blame you.

Checking Off Items

It's only 1pm and I've already accomplished so much on this bright and 'spring-y' day.

Got to work...managed to be super strong. (Check)

Taught some golf...got nailed in the hand with a club. (Check)

Bruise (Check)

Signed up to do a birthday party for basically the whole Jazz team's kiddos (Check)
*Super stoked for that tip!*

Once at school: proficiently chastised someone for not staying at home when sick. Seriously people...your germs lead to my demise. Stay home, get better - for your sake and EVERYONE around you. It's not that tough of a concept. Really. (Check)

Left to go:

Get through lame quiz and class.

Go back to work to teach my dance munchkins.

Anxiously see if my letter from University of Puget Sound has arrived.


Here's to a day of delights and bruises.

BoyToys

Boy rhymes with toy...

Girl does not rhyme with toy...

Because you don't play with girls. That is all.

50/100

My dear Brie posted 100 things she wants to do within the next 5 years. I think that's a swell idea...so I did it too. Well...I've done 50. Now I'm feeling guilty about leaving my poor little thesis unattended so I'll return to my list another day. In the meantime, here are my first 50. I know you'll be impressed ;)

5 Years = 100 Goals

Successfully grow a tulip plant from bulb to bloom
Learn to make/enjoy making at least one food dish (no microwave)
Obtain a hammock
Graduate with my masters in Occupational Therapy
Get a new car…a vroom vroom one…perhaps a Volvo
Have very little if any school loans to still pay back
Be a-ok single…and better off for it.
Welcome George into my life – even if his name isn’t George.
Take a get-away with Tina to someplace exotic
Help out my grandparents as much as possible
Scream…really really loud
Build an epic living room fort
Create an impressive library collection
Become more organized
Be a big sister (Big Brothers/Big Sisters)
Sing in front of someone – for realsies
Saving up and be almost ready to buy a house…a cute little house with a garden and a hammock…and a window seat
Easily read Le Petit Prince in French…to my cat.
Have a cat
Hopefully also a dog by then
Make sure ‘George’ knows how to give great massages/take classes
Increase my vintage hat/clothes collection
Take a dance class again
Accepting ‘things’ from others….being ok with others pampering me – not just myself. I am worth it and should not feel guilty
Nix the meds
Donate time/money/items on a regular basis
Love myself compassionately
Stomp in a ton of puddles
Always have fresh flowers in my home
Eat veggies
Frolic on the beach
Finish watching alllll the seasons of Grey’s Anatomy
Explore my architecture interests
Teach – I like teaching
Eat frozen grapes off of toothpicks
Stand still in a rain/lightening storm
Be green…probably just a light green. I’m not super good at it.
Be naked for an entire day…and actually look at my body without judging it
Re-read the Chronicles of Narnia series
Find 5 new secret spots
Stay in touch with people – no matter where or how busy I am
Go on a business trip
Give a speech and beat my record of 300 members of the audience
Tell ____ how I really feel
Stay current on my world issues
Plan a humanitarian trip
Try not to freak out about said trip
Relax
Live in the big girl world but still relish my little girl side
Jump on a trampoline…a lot

The Perpetual 25th Mile of the Race

So it's March 1st...and spring break...and there's about 27 days left of school...and it's agonizing. I'm so ready to be done with Westminster. I'm ready to know the answer from University of Puget Sound. I'm ready to start the next chapter...and yet, I'm scared shitless.

Ryan was chatting with me about once I move back to Seattle and everything associated with it last night and it dawned on me that it's coming up...that each day drags me closer and closer. It's funny because some days I'm practically bounding forward, aching to reach July 1st.
Other days it fully hits and I want to latch onto whatever I can and never let go. Think about it...I've got 4 months from today. 4 short months to wrap up everything here, edit the chapter, dot the I's, cross the T's, and begin the next chapter.

Right now though...right now I just want to finish this semester...graduate...become a 'big girl' at long last and perhaps, just perhaps finally be taken seriously. It's a hope at least ;)

Fantasy Vs. Reality

Where does fantasy end and reality begin and how can I change it? I want my dreamland to be reality ever so badly.

Dear John: I Hate Deja Vu

So...went and saw the always dreamy, Channing Tatum today in his latest feature film: Dear John.

Pro: Really hot, shirtless, and sentimental Channing Tatum

Con: How about ALLLLL the reminders of my relationship with Mark? Really...pretty sure the moon comment and the notes and the tough airport moments were ours...and not for the delightfully yummy Channing and his blonde bombshell.

Just saying.

I certainly didn't ask or need to see those scenes replayed. Rude, rude directors. Hot, hot CT made it a bit better

.

White Tulips and Clean Rooms

I love tulips. It's no big secret and certainly no surprise if you know me. When I get tulips...I tend to obsessively treasure them. I'll admit...it's a tad weird but damn, if they're your favorite flowers, you gotta do what you gotta do.

This week, R did two things splendidly: he gave me white tulips and effectively got me to and from a fancy restaurant for Valentines Day. (That's quite a feat) It's important to note that I HATE fancy restaurants when others are paying. It goes back to the whole "I'm not worth it to spend allll that money". So, I end up usually just getting a pathetic excuse for a salad or appetizer and calling it good. But that was flipped upside down on Friday. Why? Ryan didn't go for that. What did I go for then? This, my dear readers...this:

And guess what...I liked it! I didn't even feel that guilty about the money. Shweet - score one for this grrrl.

I've been cleaning my room today. I suppose that, with the tulips perched nearby, I feel a tad like spring is in the air. This is no regular clean. This is a hardcore, multi-day saga of cleanliness and joy. It's a time to reflect on all the crap I'm getting rid of and save those few bobbles that make me giggle. I'd like to announce that I'm done...but sadly...I'm only 2/3. If you think about it though, that's still pretty fabulous and my room is looking all stellar and shit.

I'm nannying tonight for these two cute little boys. I've decided that they'll grow up to have Librarian fetishes.

One day at work, when I'd been super lazy and refused to put in contacts or do my hair, I appeared in glasses and a messy ponytail. After class these two little boys went home and told their mothers that: "Miss Devon wore her hair up and had her glasses on". One point for the nerds of the world.

It's also important to point out that I was drunk-texted by one of the moms for a good 1/2 hour last night. Hah - classic! I love moms like this.

Happy Valentines Day!

It's Always The Small Things

It's little confessions like these that truly break my heart. I hope they can swap stickers again sometime soon.

Issues

So...this whole BDSM community...

I often wonder about the reasoning behind people's joining. For some, it's a simple matter of it turns them on, they like the exhibitionism, etc. For others though, I really have to wonder.

When I see an emaciated girl with over 200 pictures of herself on her profile....I wonder. When I see her pictures post-self mutilation...I wonder. What does she get out of this? Does she get an excuse and an acceptable space to hurt herself in the name of art? Does she get to exercise her need for perfect self control?

As lame as it sounds, I hurt for her. I want to shake her violently and tell her that this isn't the way to do it. The attention that she's craving....this isn't how she should go about getting it. Masking her problems with a (somewhat) more acceptable facade isn't going to change the fact that she's irreversibly hurting herself.

K...that's all.

Bubbles and Delightful Movies

Aaahhh - a glorious night.

I had work this evening which, in general, isn't too bad but also isn't my idea of an ideal evening. Au contraire, mes amies! Tonight was simply magnifique!

I firmly believe that all young peeps need to be educated in the ways of Disney classics. I myself shall (if I ever have munchkins) procure all Disney and expose.

Tonight was Sleeping Beauty. Now...any Disney movie that is ALSO a ballet is bound to be good. Also, any girl that has two names and is also a princess incognito has got to be f-in badass.

I command you all to go out, rent the delightful film, and spend some quality time with the idealistic/unrealistic Disney romances...they make everything a bit better. Truly.

The Good...The Bad...The Ugly

I wanted to enlighten a few of you to my multiple sides...mind you..not multiple personalities becuase that, my friends, is a mental condition that we must not make light of.

In any event, I have the following in a variety amounts on any given day.

There's my 'good' side. That's the part that actually cares about others, does her homework, plans cute little things, etc.

The bad: hmmm now bad can be thought of in a variety of ways. You can be bad/naughty...you can be bad/messy...etc. Umm I have bad sides for sure.

Last, but not least, I have my ugly side. I try hard to not let this side out too much but, when I do, it comes out full force.

It absolutely did today...

I'll be mailing your mother a package. In it you'll find the wedding planning book she gave me when we got engaged, a penguin and stone you gave me, and a number of other trinkets including the ring. Perhaps your fiance can make use of them. Have fun.

A New Version of Silky Smooth

Last night I found myself on the floor in the shampoo aisle of the grocery store. I was in the process of obtaining some 'new silky smooth' stuff. Having been told recently that normal shampoo contains the same sulfates as paint thinner, I decided that it was time to switch it up.

Thus, I came away $20 poorer and fingers crossed for a successful shower in the morning. Ladies and gentlemen, I have good news to report...the hair is just as silky smooth as ever and I've come to the conclusion that my expensive purchase is, without question, saving the world...or at least my head. Same thing really...

I'd also like to report that Mark is like...for realsies...getting married. Shit...

But let's be honest, that's not nearly as important as my hair. So there.