Damn You Karmic Lesson

This is seriously uncalled for. I know that it's a karmic lesson because NO ONE is available to talk and I'm getting closer and closer to the brink...and really should be studying. Blech.

I just want him to call. He said he would...why hasn't he? What the hell am I supposed to be learning here? Is it: I'm ok on my own.
I can't rely on others to bring me happiness.
Even if I try REALLY REALLY hard, not everything I want will happen...
Time to be a strong independent girl? Boo to that I say.

I'm just not feeling this. I want my Ryan. I want my Dink. I feel like I'm SO close but...he just keeps slipping away and all I'm left with is a file of pictures, amazing memories, and stinging eyes.

And...Fly

“Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do.”

I've been trying to come to terms with various sides of myself lately. How does one component fit in with the rest and does it's undeniable inclusion make me a 'better' or 'worse' person. How will it change the way society and the people I care about view me? Does it make me less of a 'good' person?

Here's the thing though...I only have this one life...and who knows how long it really is. If I have a chance to do something that resonates with a part of me...that brings me excitement and increases my overall understanding of myself...I should do it. I feel like I make sure to consider if my actions will bring direct pain to myself and those I care about and, if it doesn't, and I continue to feel drawn to it...why the hell not?

Life is for living...for experiencing...for taking those leaps off the cliffs and enjoying the exhilaration that we all deserve to have in our lives and memories.

I plan on having some incredible experiences to reflect upon when I'm old and wrinkled and tearing up the retirement home. I will...I am...I will always make sure that I truly live.

Revelations...Not To Be Confused With Relevations

You know…it’s always an interesting occurrence when you attempt to break into a new environment…a new group of friends…a new job…a new ‘lifestyle’. How do you stay true to who you are while also doing the supposedly needed modifications? Since when do I need to change the way I view myself? Actually…on that note…I started doing this to celebrate my body and myself. Instead…I’m listening, and believing as gospel, a very opinionated but well-meaning person who laments to me about all the photoshopping he needs to do on my photos and how, “if I ever want to make it” I need to know how to present my nose because…let’s face it “my body is my selling point…not my face”. This doesn’t work for me.

It becomes apparent that I’m letting some of ‘me’ go when a dear friend hears a conversation, recognizes my hurt and anger, and has the incredible ability to reign me back in to what I know is true. I am a beautiful, smart, caring, neurotic, and messy girl/woman. My body is my body and it’s perfect the way it is…especially given what I’ve put it through. My face is my face and plastic surgery is just adding a mask to what is supposed to be.

My career may not matter to those who see me in a specific light and who have (graciously) taken it upon themselves to promote me in the world and for the sake of “fashion” and “modeling”. But my career is important to me. My goal of helping others WILL NOT be hindered by comments that affirm my always-lingering feelings of self-degradation. I’m better than that. This all started to celebrate…and now I find myself afraid of doing the wrong thing for fear pictures will end up where they shouldn’t and goals will be affected. This wasn’t the plan. Now…how to get back to me?

A Case of the Gratefuls

It's been over a month since I last blogged. In those 5 weeks, I've spent a great deal of time being frustrated with school, angry about my decision, and struggling to stay afloat. As October has come to a close and November has been ushered in, I've started to change my mentality a bit. I've realized that school gets easier if I just accept it...and go for it...go big or go home. Well, I have to go big TO go home.

I've started to put in more time studying and it's been paying off. A pop quiz yesterday in anatomy saw me scoring 100% (spelling might have been a bit off but all the actual components were right) Wow - it was such a great feeling!! I've found study partners, the way I study best, quiet times to slip into various rooms to work, etc.

So, even though the volume of homework and studying isn't decreasing (at. all.) things are looking up and I don't feel like I'm struggling to stay afloat quite as much. With that being said, one of my classmates has started a 'Thanksgiving A Day" posting. Each day for the month of November she writes at least one thing she's grateful for. Naturally, I think it's a stellar plan and think I'll do it as well... Here we go:

November 1st: I'm grateful that studying has paid off

November 2nd: I'm grateful for crisp fall days with leaves blustering around me, the ocean waves rolling in, and the first chai eggnog of the season in my hand.

(Please ignore the strange yellow tint and lack of nose...silly cellphone camera)

It's All In The Signs...

You know you're really starting to struggle when you start looking towards bad coping mechanisms to get you out of situations...without admitting defeat.

Ugh.

Alright, Alright!

So here we are...3 weeks into graduate school and, as any good student should do, I've come up with a Plan B for if school doesn't go so well. I mean, let's be honest...I've already had an anatomy quiz and a quiz in a basic theory class and I'm realizing that school is tough shit. I don't really like super tough things. Thus...my Plan B.

Plan A: go to grad school, become a super awesome occupational therapist.

Plan B: don't go to grad school and become a super awesome trophy wife.

Let's compare: studying and doing shitty on tests vs. traveling and shopping...tough tough call.

Ohh if only I could be content being a trophy wife. Le sigh. I'd probably have to take up tennis or something equally as fancy-shmanzy.

Debbie Downer

So..yeah...gonna be that Debbie Downer tonight. The Grandpa is having a rather hard go of it and went back to the hospital today. It hasn't really hit me until this past week though (odd since I was up there and saw him) I think all this talking in grad school about end of life dignity has really hit close to home and I feel like I can better understand how shitty his situation must be.

Apparently when you're all grown up in grad school you have to keep a journal...so here's mine from today:

So my grandpa is back in the hospital tonight. He spent over a week in it last month and things are quickly turning towards a downward spiral. A lot of the topics we’ve brought up in classes this week are so so so applicable to him and I find myself thinking of him a great deal. He has a home health aide, PT, OT, and hospice worker coming into the house throughout the week. He’s constantly bombarded by people trying to ‘help him’ and yet, at the same time, he feels completely helpless. This is a guy who built the house these people are walking into. He raised a family. He drove a car until about 2 years ago. He’s never needed assistance like this from others and certainly not from strangers. He feels…completely attacked. His dignity is gone. He feels emasculated needing to go to the ER because he can’t urinate. He’s expressed a wish that Alaska was a pro-euthanasia state. And I sit here. Wondering.

Is it bad to wish someone you care about to be dead? In this case…I don’t really think so. His quality of life is practically non-existent. His pride is gone, pain overwhelming, and really…what is there left to attend to? I hope that he is able to go peacefully and quickly…I can’t even imagine the emotions he must be going through each day – wondering what will happen to his wife after he passes, who will take care of the house, who will feed the hummingbirds outside the window, who will shovel the path for my grandma, etc. Who will be here? I just want to whisper, “we all will be, Grandpa. It’s ok to let go now.”

This is actually the first time I’ve cried over this…and, as nerdy and/or bad as it sounds, it helps my understanding of my future patients when I put my Grandpa in their shoes…how would I want to interact with them? How would I show them the utmost respect and provide them with as much maintenance of dignity as I could?

Lots of questions and no answers.

Marco Polo Is Lost

You know...sometimes it's hard to stay on track, focus, remember what you're worth, etc. And, sometimes, you are engaged to a girl on three different occasions and then you prepare to marry her. There's an issue when you then return to your first 'true for always' love and say...'I wish I was marrying you."

I feel bad for everyone involved in that situation but have come to the conclusion (better late than never) that it's not a situation that I have any reason to be involved in. His mom will inform me if anything happens to him but other than that..it's my place to turn away. He needs to gain comfort and advice from his wife - not his ex. He needs to look to his wife for happiness and love. And, if/when this doesn't happen, he needs to have the balls to break things off with her...for himself and not for the faint hope that he could possibly get back together with me. It's not happening and I hope, for both their sakes, that they feel like the marriage is/was worth their time. It's rather disconcerting when he's already planning on divorcing her and the wedding isn't for another 2 weeks.

C'est la vie.

Here's the moral of the story: stay out of drama and enjoy life on a day to day basis. This is your life - it belongs to no one else. Make sure that you fill it with things and people who bring you joy. Make sure you laugh. Make sure you eat plenty of french toast. The end.

Ready. Set. Go!

This has been an incredible summer. I moved back to Seattle (temporarily), spent a week in Hawaii, made a quick trip to Portland for lunch, hung out with the family up in Alaska, and drove back down to Utah - both SLC and Moab for a week. Phew. My jet-setting life is sadly coming to an end though. In order to properly mourn the loss of a stellar summer, I've attached a few pictures:

Let the lifelessness of school begin to take hold. ;)

An Oath of Love

Dearest EC,

I love the way even your presence brings me such great joy. I love your carefree nature and flexibility. If I decide I want to do something else with you...you're perfectly content to come along for the ride. I love how well you get along with Tina...because that's important.

There are so many interesting aspects about you...different flavors if you will. I love getting to know each one - really spending time with you.

EC...you truly are an incredible being.

It hurts to say this but..here we go. Sometimes it feels like too much of you is simply too much. I adore you, yes..but I feel as if you have a toxic grip on me if we spend too much time together. I can literally feel you killing me slowly...and I hate it. I hate it so SO SO much.

I don't like to put limits on our relationship but, for my health and sanity, I'm afraid I must. Wouldn't want you causing me a heart attack now would we?

So, dear EC, I am here...here to be yours...sparingly..which translates to roadtrips and/or every 6 months. Until we meet again...

A Bad Case Of...

In preparation for my trip to Maui on monday, I have taken the last week or so to go tanning. The goal: don't get ridiculously burned in Hawaii. No worries - I've taken care of that ahead of time. I made the mistake of going the evening of one day and then the morning of the next. I'm absolutely regretting it all. Hah...

That being said, I'm not sure if I had an allergic reaction to the spray that had JUST been used before I hopped in the bed or if it was mostly actually sunburn. Regardless, I've got a BAD case of the itchies and scratchies. My tummy looks like it's been attacked by rabid antelopes...or something equally as frightening. Looks like it's time for a little aloe vera and some Dramamine. Shweeet.

Damn you, tanning bed of doom! You make me tan(ish)..less pasty pale but you also cause the itches. Curses on you.

Cuddle Bug

I'm missing this warm and fuzzy friend (and her owner, Ryan...big surprise there)

Here's to (hopefully) next month and seeing the two of them...

When All Else Fades

I've made the big move back to Seattle and am attempting to settle in a bit...definitely missing my city of the salty lake though. I've already got my first trip back set up - next month. I know...kinda desperate of me but what can ya do?

It's frustrating because everyone keeps saying that I'll make new friends..that it'll be ok. Well...I know I'll make new friends and I'm not at all concerned about it. The thing is...I will miss and treasure my friendships in Salt Lake. It's just not the same being so far away. I can't go see Jenna whenever I need to. I can't entertain the thought of hanging out with Ryan. I can't go cuddle with Andrew and I certainly can't go get Kneaders. I'm not concerned about making new friends. I'm concerned about growing apart from my home and my 'family' there.

It'll be ok of course...I'm not worried about that either. I just hope that the relationships I treasure don't become the relationships I treasured

Here's to 'making new friends but keeping the old'...because ya know... 'one is silver and the other's gold'. Or..something like that.

In The Blink Of An Eye

My heart is aching for so many people right now - it's rather surreal. Within the past month, Mark has suffered a tragic loss, Sarah has shattered her L1 and L3 vertebrae, Kait has been in and out of the ER, Ryan has, once more, disappeared, great uncle passed away, and my dearest Kristen's little brother died suddenly.

We're constantly reminded of just how fragile and fleeting life as we know it is. Please...if you do nothing else today, tell those you care about that you love them. Who truly knows if it's the last time you'll have the joy of spending time with them.

For all of those I care about who have suffered a loss....my heart reaches out for you. Know that you are constantly in my thoughts and prayers.

I love you..

The Sad Reality

The situation with Mark wasn't exactly as I'd thought...read this article and make sure to take a minute to remember just how fleeting life truly is. Say "I love you" often and with all your heart.

http://www.macombdaily.com/articles/2010/06/08/news/doc4c0d343b07be2242853336.txt#photo1

A Long Ways Away wrote on Jun 9, 2010 4:16 PM:

" I never knew you personally but my heart still reaches out to you and your loved ones. Your ultimate sacrifice is one that won't be forgotten.

God bless and protect both you and your brothers who still serve and fight for our country. Let them all come home and properly honor your life by living their own lives to the full potential. No more death is needed...

- DCG "

At Long Last

Yes...yes I do believe it's a happy post at long last! Now that certainly doesn't mean that fabulous things haven't been happening but those around me have certainly had their fair share of shitty things occur lately and, consequently, I feel for them.

This post is about the wonders of Utah Pride 2010. Ah yes, I've spent a bit of time at Pride. Last year I worked the booth for 10,000 Villages and had a surprisingly decent time in the rain. This year was much different and better. It was in the low 80's, bright, clear skies, and I got to see the parade!

Here's Adam representing gays who honorably serve in our Armed Forces. I heart that kid, mucho. I'm also quite glad that things are slowly but surely taking shape regarding the outdated "don't ask, don't tell" policy. But, let's be honest...it was never "indated"...it's always been wrong. The end.

My dear Andrew got to get allllllll dressed up in his leather regalia and throw his new whip around a bit. The night before I got to throw it around for A taught me how to use it. I'm not good at all though.

Then he found me and caught me! Eeeeep!

I also got to spend time with my Stacy and Kada and explore the festival a bit. Chatted with a tipsy Matt...who was still ridiculously cute - duh - and even managed to get the back of one arm burned...but just one, mind you.

I love Pride and I love how happy and accepting people are there. Yay for social progress!

I Don't Pray...But...

Apparently Mark flew back to the US from A-Town to escort his fallen friend, Anthony, to his funeral. Goodness...that has got to be so incredibly difficult.

My role in Mark's life has changed drastically over the years but it's at times like these that I wish I could comfort him as I used to...and hold him close.

You're all in my thoughts and prayers.

Here's to the memories...

The Reality

As previously talked about, I've been a bit out of the loop when it comes to military news, etc. I'm still friends with Mark's mom on facebook though, so some of the things she likes or joins pops up on my page. (Let's be honest...we allll have facebook and know exactly now it works) Today she joined a group for remembering LCpl Anthony DiLisio. I went to the page to find out a bit more. In it I found pictures of Mark and Anthony, comments from friends and loved ones, etc. I also found a link to his girlfriend's page. Her posts after his death were so touching and so incredibly telling.

I tried to find his information on a variety of websites - icasualties.com, washingtonpost, etc but none of them have him listed yet.

It's a weird feeling...the way technology works. To know about someone before the rest of the world..without really knowing the person at all. I can't even begin to imagine what his dear Rachel must be feeling at this point. I can picture the men in dress blues walking up to her door...just as I pictured them walking up to my door night after night.

I suppose, on this day...this Memorial Day, that support and love should be sent out to Rachel and Anthony's family. What a trying time we live in... Here's to the end coming quickly and with no more flag-draped coffins to fly back to the US.

God bless.

Details, Details

After being woken up at the terrifying hour of (gulp) 3:30 am, I find myself unable to fall back asleep instantly. So much has happened and/or is about to happen. Phew...let's recap.

1. Rocked a super shitty viral infection for almost a month. Ugh :( Finally allll better.
2. Figured out just how much debt I'll be in after grad school. Talk about a shit ton...
3. Found a dream job that will pay off that debt mucho quickly. It's called (hopefully) you're looking at, in 2.5 years, an OT down at Camp Pendleton treating TBI anddd PTSD. Double score. With a super sweet salary and government perks. Quadruple score. It'll be strange to be back down there under a (slightly) similar situation. This time I'll actually get to be ON the base. Hah...oh the memories.
4. Graduation is tomorrow - eeepers.
5. R and I...well...yeah.

I dunno...I'm really going to miss R. At the same time though, I can recognize that it's time to move on...whether it's permanent or not remains to be seen I suppose. He was being so amazing for a while but, alas, it has come to an end. I'm actually ok with it this time around. Those of you who have seen me on prior occasions can attest to the fact that it's been oh-so-rough in the past. This is a bit different however. I'm certainly mourning the separation but am at (pretty much) peace regarding it. So I guess that's good. I mean...we only had a few more weeks anyways.

I always forget who knows about this blog and then find myself trying to remember and censor accordingly. Meh...here's the deal...this is mine. This is me. And yes, if you're one of a few people that might know about the blog, you could possibly be...well...rather upset. Same time though, if you don't want to read it...then don't. Plus, most of you (like 2 people ;) should know how I feel about the situation.

That being said...the house is FINALLY calmed down!!!! A has moved out at long last and I can finally breathe easy. It got really dicey near the end and I found myself holding my tongue much more than I'm a fan of doing. There are SO many things I'd enjoy sharing with A...alas, one of us had to be the bigger person ;)

Graduation is tomorrow - at long last. It's weird because I've been done with school for a while and we're just now graduating. Meh. I'm really glad I turned down speaking at it though...no one wants to listen to a student speak during a 3.5 hour long ordeal of doom. That being said, it would have made a cool thing to put on my resume and tuck away for reflection later. Plus, it's on my bucket list to increase the number of people I've talked in front of. My current record is only about 350 :( Here's to the conferences yet to come. Yay business trips!

Chatted with an old friend for a while a bit ago. Damn that time difference though - ugh. He's one of the VERY few I'll make an exception for and he knows it. Grrrr. ;) Anyways, we were talking about how much I've changed (for the better) over the past few years and I think it's quite true. I'm pleased with who I'm becoming and recognize that I've still got A TON of work to do. They say grad school is a time to grow...we shall see.

I think I'm finally ready to fall back asleep after the call. Here's to the dark night with the bright moon shining through. Here's to you and all that you have and continue to accomplish - whomever you are.

Pics to be attached at a more appropriate hour.

M Day

So it's almost Mother's Day and the post secrets for it are already up online. Naturally, I've looked and picked out ones that speak to me. As a precursor, it's important to say that while this secret applied to me much of my childhood, I'm so blessed and happy to have a god relationship with my madre now. (Both of my parents actually). (PS - the card says 'heroin' but I, upon first glance, read it as 'heroine' as in...of a novel...The drug part doesn't apply. The being more invested in her books than me...a bit of application potential.)

That being said, this postcard really did hit a chord with me and reminded me of a certain loneliness I experienced as a kiddo. It also reminded me of all the guilt my mom feels when she reflects back on the same time. So tomorrow, I validate her and how far she's come. Her card should have arrived today and in it I thanked her for our closeness now. Everyone makes mistakes and I'm glad to have found a confidant in my mother at long last. (Thank god for a mutual hatred of family therapy!!)