Debbie Downer

So..yeah...gonna be that Debbie Downer tonight. The Grandpa is having a rather hard go of it and went back to the hospital today. It hasn't really hit me until this past week though (odd since I was up there and saw him) I think all this talking in grad school about end of life dignity has really hit close to home and I feel like I can better understand how shitty his situation must be.

Apparently when you're all grown up in grad school you have to keep a journal...so here's mine from today:

So my grandpa is back in the hospital tonight. He spent over a week in it last month and things are quickly turning towards a downward spiral. A lot of the topics we’ve brought up in classes this week are so so so applicable to him and I find myself thinking of him a great deal. He has a home health aide, PT, OT, and hospice worker coming into the house throughout the week. He’s constantly bombarded by people trying to ‘help him’ and yet, at the same time, he feels completely helpless. This is a guy who built the house these people are walking into. He raised a family. He drove a car until about 2 years ago. He’s never needed assistance like this from others and certainly not from strangers. He feels…completely attacked. His dignity is gone. He feels emasculated needing to go to the ER because he can’t urinate. He’s expressed a wish that Alaska was a pro-euthanasia state. And I sit here. Wondering.

Is it bad to wish someone you care about to be dead? In this case…I don’t really think so. His quality of life is practically non-existent. His pride is gone, pain overwhelming, and really…what is there left to attend to? I hope that he is able to go peacefully and quickly…I can’t even imagine the emotions he must be going through each day – wondering what will happen to his wife after he passes, who will take care of the house, who will feed the hummingbirds outside the window, who will shovel the path for my grandma, etc. Who will be here? I just want to whisper, “we all will be, Grandpa. It’s ok to let go now.”

This is actually the first time I’ve cried over this…and, as nerdy and/or bad as it sounds, it helps my understanding of my future patients when I put my Grandpa in their shoes…how would I want to interact with them? How would I show them the utmost respect and provide them with as much maintenance of dignity as I could?

Lots of questions and no answers.

Marco Polo Is Lost

You know...sometimes it's hard to stay on track, focus, remember what you're worth, etc. And, sometimes, you are engaged to a girl on three different occasions and then you prepare to marry her. There's an issue when you then return to your first 'true for always' love and say...'I wish I was marrying you."

I feel bad for everyone involved in that situation but have come to the conclusion (better late than never) that it's not a situation that I have any reason to be involved in. His mom will inform me if anything happens to him but other than that..it's my place to turn away. He needs to gain comfort and advice from his wife - not his ex. He needs to look to his wife for happiness and love. And, if/when this doesn't happen, he needs to have the balls to break things off with her...for himself and not for the faint hope that he could possibly get back together with me. It's not happening and I hope, for both their sakes, that they feel like the marriage is/was worth their time. It's rather disconcerting when he's already planning on divorcing her and the wedding isn't for another 2 weeks.

C'est la vie.

Here's the moral of the story: stay out of drama and enjoy life on a day to day basis. This is your life - it belongs to no one else. Make sure that you fill it with things and people who bring you joy. Make sure you laugh. Make sure you eat plenty of french toast. The end.

Ready. Set. Go!

This has been an incredible summer. I moved back to Seattle (temporarily), spent a week in Hawaii, made a quick trip to Portland for lunch, hung out with the family up in Alaska, and drove back down to Utah - both SLC and Moab for a week. Phew. My jet-setting life is sadly coming to an end though. In order to properly mourn the loss of a stellar summer, I've attached a few pictures:

Let the lifelessness of school begin to take hold. ;)

An Oath of Love

Dearest EC,

I love the way even your presence brings me such great joy. I love your carefree nature and flexibility. If I decide I want to do something else with you...you're perfectly content to come along for the ride. I love how well you get along with Tina...because that's important.

There are so many interesting aspects about you...different flavors if you will. I love getting to know each one - really spending time with you.

EC...you truly are an incredible being.

It hurts to say this but..here we go. Sometimes it feels like too much of you is simply too much. I adore you, yes..but I feel as if you have a toxic grip on me if we spend too much time together. I can literally feel you killing me slowly...and I hate it. I hate it so SO SO much.

I don't like to put limits on our relationship but, for my health and sanity, I'm afraid I must. Wouldn't want you causing me a heart attack now would we?

So, dear EC, I am here...here to be yours...sparingly..which translates to roadtrips and/or every 6 months. Until we meet again...

A Bad Case Of...

In preparation for my trip to Maui on monday, I have taken the last week or so to go tanning. The goal: don't get ridiculously burned in Hawaii. No worries - I've taken care of that ahead of time. I made the mistake of going the evening of one day and then the morning of the next. I'm absolutely regretting it all. Hah...

That being said, I'm not sure if I had an allergic reaction to the spray that had JUST been used before I hopped in the bed or if it was mostly actually sunburn. Regardless, I've got a BAD case of the itchies and scratchies. My tummy looks like it's been attacked by rabid antelopes...or something equally as frightening. Looks like it's time for a little aloe vera and some Dramamine. Shweeet.

Damn you, tanning bed of doom! You make me tan(ish)..less pasty pale but you also cause the itches. Curses on you.

Cuddle Bug

I'm missing this warm and fuzzy friend (and her owner, Ryan...big surprise there)

Here's to (hopefully) next month and seeing the two of them...

When All Else Fades

I've made the big move back to Seattle and am attempting to settle in a bit...definitely missing my city of the salty lake though. I've already got my first trip back set up - next month. I know...kinda desperate of me but what can ya do?

It's frustrating because everyone keeps saying that I'll make new friends..that it'll be ok. Well...I know I'll make new friends and I'm not at all concerned about it. The thing is...I will miss and treasure my friendships in Salt Lake. It's just not the same being so far away. I can't go see Jenna whenever I need to. I can't entertain the thought of hanging out with Ryan. I can't go cuddle with Andrew and I certainly can't go get Kneaders. I'm not concerned about making new friends. I'm concerned about growing apart from my home and my 'family' there.

It'll be ok of course...I'm not worried about that either. I just hope that the relationships I treasure don't become the relationships I treasured

Here's to 'making new friends but keeping the old'...because ya know... 'one is silver and the other's gold'. Or..something like that.