I Want...

So I'm starting to design the look for my new apartment..yes, I know it's a year off but still!

Here's what I'm thinking: I want a red bedroom. So far I've done green and blue. Now I think it's time for a touch o' red. Here are ideas

From there, I think I want my bathroom to inherit some of my bedroom decor from the 'blue phase'.

Oh for the day when this is the place I call home...with two kitties of course...and lots of blankies.

Win/Win vs. Win/Lose vs. Lose/Lose

So apparently life is one competition after another and sore losers are plentiful.

Some people play solitaire - playing out their competitions with themselves.

Some people wrestle - fighting to the death against a single other person.

Some people are in the ice hockey rink - waiting for a fight so all hell can break lose.

There's a lot of shoddy techniques involved in these games. Everyone gets fouls...some just more than others.

I'm not big on the 'game' and 'competition' ideas but, out of the three, I normally play solitaire. I'm only responsible for myself - why try to control others? It gets frustrating to see the 'sideline coach' syndrome...

"No, Billy - go that way!"

"Sam hit him - illegal!"

Get a grip people...deal with yourselves...if everyone did that, we'd all be much better off.

The Almighty 'But'

I'm having a grand time exploring myself and all that jazz...but here's the thing. If you asked me to come over...I'd drop it all...in a fucking heartbeat. Please...

I know my role in your life is a little different than what I'd like for it to be...but I'll be patient as I have been in the past. Eventually, I trust that you'll open the door a bit again...and I can feel whole...not whole perhaps...but more content.

I can curl up with you on your opium bed.
I can hug Jaffy tons and tons.
I can tell you to be good at work.
I can have races with you.
I can cuddle with you in bed.
I can get my hair silky-smooth in your shower.
I can be Mine...and you can be Dink.

I'll be here...k? Just let me know...

Limbo Lows

In the words of a great show: "seriously?!...seriously?!"

I've got to say...I did not see this coming. There are lows that are understandable, forgivable, whatever...then there are lows that are just trashy and reflect badly on the person doing the lowering.

Like I talked about in my last post, I'm finally to a point where I'm doing things for me. As selfish as it sounds, I truly am the most important person in my life. I can't help or be there for anyone else if I'm not taking care of myself first.

So here I am, exercising my right and I suppose it's understandable that it may not rub well with some people. That's ok - everyone's entitled to their own opinions. It becomes a bit of an issue when my choices are kicked through the mud and twisted.

The thing is, for the first time (gotta love firsts) I don't care. This is my life and, damn-it, I'll live it as I please.

It's time for a wild ride but I'm ever so excited...and that's truly all that counts.

Me

Here's the thing...I like my life.

I have a loving and supportive family.
I have a few true friends that I know I can count on for anything - no matter when.
I like my school when I'm not stressed with tests and papers.
I like my work when I'm not wanting to down a few shots.
I like where I volunteer and I love the feeling I get from doing so.

I've finally come to realize that the only person I'm stuck with forever is me...so I might as well do things that I enjoy, can learn from, and truly wish to experience.

It's hard for me to let go of opinions...assumptions from other people...glares, etc.

The thing is...I'm not stupid. I think things through. I weigh consequences against actions. I am not inept nor ignorant...and don't appreciate being accused of it.

You may not agree with everything I do but who are you to judge me? Somehow I feel as if you might have other things to deal with. Why worry yourself with me? That's what I do.

I'm finally doing things for me. It's an incredible feeling. If I don't want to see someone, I won't. If I don't want to accept the judgement of someone, I'll walk away and realize I'm better off for it.

I am my own master and what I choose to do is mine and mine alone.

Open your mind, accept others, and focus on the one thing you can control - yourself.

Better Late Than Never...

So I gave a talk at the EDA group at the CFC tonight...I'd totally blanked on agreeing to do it and ended up not at all prepared.

I rambled on for a bit about recovery, where I'd been, where I've gotten to...and, about 10 minutes after I left, I found the words that I'd meant to say.

I talked about how life was easier, fabulous, etc. In actuality though, it's not necessarily easier or more fabulous - rather just different. Instead of worrying about weight, calories, secrets, etc., I'm finally worrying about normal 21 year old stuff.

I focus on:

• school stress
• why that one boy didn't call
• how to make more money
• when to take the GRE and how to study
• which restaurant or club to go to
• pros and cons of roommates

I'm in a place where my stressors and hardships are normal...relatable...and dealable. After being through the hell I have, I know that pretty much anything is manageable - as shitty as it might feel at the time.

I guess you could say I'm grateful for my worries in a weird, twisted way.

...Never thought I'd say that though...hah.

Dreams

You and your mom starred in my dreams last night. I woke up missing you more than I have in a while.

Someday, ok? K.

Buffet Table

I often get the feeling that my mind is a buffet table...so random...so much stuff that isn't good for me and so much that I crave. Does that make sense? Meh who knows.

Let's figure out what is on the table tonight....

Double Chocolate Fudge Cake -

- my thoughts are thick, heavy, and totally overwhelming. Not to mention deliciously decadent. I'm exploring an area that I've been intrigued by for a while but haven't had the opportunity to discover. Now is different though. It's not 'in the norm' and quite frankly I'm proud of it. I'm loving everything that I'm learning, truly experiencing every sensation, and craving more and more.

Perhaps my cake has a red velvet layer as well...seeing as how my hair has a red layer too! Strange...and kind of a dare...but I'm thrilled to have done it and to see what he says...ooh la la - scandalous.

Diet Dr. Pepper and Strawberry Popsicles -

Umm...I miss Ryan...a lot. The loss and longing hits unexpectedly and occasionally becomes debilitating. I know my role in his life...his role in mine...but I sure as hell wish it wasn't that way. I want cuddle time with Dink...I want giggles, walks, Japhy, just being...

I haven't found anyone that compares to him yet...and it's bothering me.

Why hasn't he contacted me? My blanket is still in his house... My shampoo and conditioner waiting to make me silky smooth in his shower. The toys I got Japhy are there too. Bullet, a random shirt, toothbrush, etc.

.
Ichiban Noodles and Pineapple

My Tina is coming to visit! Granted, it's not under the happiest of circumstances but I'm absolutely thrilled to have her here. We shall have mucho fun and I've got a done of secret stuff planned to help the happiness levels go up.

Alright...now I'm just hungry. Let's be done with the buffet.

Skip And A Hop Down Memory Lane

Let's review, shall we?

July 4th, 2005: I was busy kicking it in a place of hope and healing. We went to a parade...in Orem...and watched Batman Begins. Overall rating: 2...I was also in oodles of pain.

July 4th, 2006: Errr who knows...

July 4th, 2007: Drove back from Cannon Beach, Oregon with Mark. Spent the evening resenting Mr. Welch for giving Mark a beer. It also involved Marble Slab and cake. Weeee.

July 4th, 2008: Watched tons of fireworks, spent the night at a cabin up on a lake, watched a small town parade, worked a booth for 10,000 Villages, rode a horse...almost died, swam, and had a fabulous time.

July 4th, 2009: Hmmmm guess you'll have to check back tomorrow evening. :D

Don't. Do. It.

Oooops too late!

Don't you hate when you give in to those things that you know you shouldn't and, of course, end up having it come back and blow up in your face?

Hey, me too!

Perhaps you finally gave in and weighed yourself.

Perhaps you ventured up into your over-flowing attic.

Perhaps...well...who knows.

What did I do? Oh ya know, looked at Ryan's facebook page. Now one might ask why that is such a big deal. Yup, I'm asking that too. Whatever the reason, looking at Ryan's page usually results in the following:

• shuffling around and feeling sorry for myself.
• looking more.
• thinking about the past.
• and, as the climax to the story, dreaming about him.

Weeeee good times to be sure. Ryan and his soul-pal thing are starting to annoy me. Oh, when do I get my blanket back anyways? hmmmmm