- Pause -

I'd like to first inform you that my hair is delightfully soft today. I was told over the weekend that most shampoo contains the same ingredient that's included in paint thinner, gasoline remover, etc. Aside from the fact that I'm now freaked about my cheap coconut-y goodness, I'm proud to say that the gross ingredient has not impeded on my glorious hair. Just an fyi for you to consider.



As previously mentioned (perhaps) Mark is, once more, engaged to S(he) who shall not be named. I'd like to claim this as my victory. Let's be honest, who maintained that they'd get back together for the 3rd time even as Mark traveled allll the way to Utah? This girl did...and she was right. It's time to add some more scintillating details to this story o' love and horror...it's arrangement making time! Oh dear - who doesn't love picking out cute churches and wedding dresses? What's the phrase? Gag me with a spoon? Yup that sounds about right.


Meh... So obviously there's a part of me that is highly jealous and offended. Makes sense and I'm not trying to deny it. Here's the thing though: what I'm jealous of is the wedding. I could handle wearing this delightful number:



Just saying ;) I'm looking forward to my George...I'm looking forward to a beautiful dress, lots of fabulous flowers, and yum yums. Most importantly, I'm looking forward to being at a point in my life where I've figured my shiz out!

Here's to the future...

Twiddling Thumbs

I 'strongly dislike' (hate) waiting and I hate being bored. I've decided that both of these things are big bummers and make me grumpy.

I'm waiting on a reference letter to be sent to the University of Puget Sound...it's a letter that will allow me to maybe play out the next year as I've anticipated. If, however, the letter doesn't get sent by tomorrow...perhaps this entire year will be blown. Yes, this sounds mildly over-dramatic...probably because it is. The point here is that relying on other people really blows. They, without question, will let you down at some point or another. Certainly not all of them - but a vast majority. Therefore, it's important to pick and choose carefully. Like...vewwwwy carefullly...hunting rabbits/Elmer Fudd carefully. That's something that I've been working on quite a bit.

Hmm the bored thing...because let's be honest, I'm bored with talking about my grad school app.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have met a boy. Yeah, yeah, yeah...big surprise...but let's review: While I normally have a small collection of boys around, they're generally just the space fillers. They're the stunt doubles who really suck at stunts anyways. I mean, sure, some are cute, fun, fabulous. Most though, are around because they provide certain things that I enjoy. Be it good backrubs or good cookies, it's nice to have them. That is, after all, the idea of dating..and I'm certainly getting my practice.

Every now and then though, there's a boy that comes along that is rather special. He doesn't bore me, doesn't annoy me, doesn't ______. Ya know. Nope, this one keeps me on my toes. I've decided that that is one of THE most important things I look for in a guy. I need a guy who will grab my hand and run with me through the sprinklers at 2am...both literally and figuratively. I have all these 'things' that I look for in a guy and, in reality, it boils down to the excitement and spontaneity factors i.e. NOT being bored. What a novel concept? ;)
Let's quickly clarify that I'm also a sucker for boys who have their lives together, love/have dogs or cats, give great backrubs, etc. ;)

I find myself hanging on to someone who has many of these characteristics in his 'ideal' self. Sadly however, that's a self that I haven't gotten to see much...at least as of yet. When I'm presented with someone who shows his ideal self much more regularly, it throws me off a bit. That's all I have to say for now...

An Eeyore State Of Mind

I find myself only blogging when I'm in a funk. It's rather annoying as I wish I was inspired to write about fabulous things as well. Maybe that just requires practice.

So, here's the deal...It's January 8th...tomorrow is January 9th and a certain man-child turns 29. We shall refer to him as a man-child for he struggles with commitment and shit. Anyhoo, it's one of those days that I keep him in my thoughts extra because...well...just because. Mainly because I wish I had the chance to experience it with him. But alas, these things are not so.

That being said, it's been getting tougher and tougher recently. It's (of course) following it's usual trajectory. I hear from him, see him a couple times, he disappears...I do ok...do ok...do not so ok...do bad bad bad...and then I hear from him again. At least - that's been the pattern. Melissa (the T) has given me the go-ahead to email him next Wednesday. (Day before our appointment so that if I fuck up and freak out I have damage control 24 hours later).

I want answers....I want to know why he does it... My big thing is that I'm not sure if:
A. He contacts me because he wants to have sex, etc., but then feels guilty and drops off the earth.
B. He contacts me because he misses me but, as soon as we hang out, he's reminded that I'm leaving. Think about it... When we met up in October, he disappeared while I was back in WA...going to the graduate school I want to attend. The time before that, it was right after my birthday and I was finishing my junior year. I contacted him to tell him I was staying another year. Maybe the school year ending reminded him that it wasn't long before I'd be gone.

Here's the thing....I don't want to leave SLC...and certainly not simply for him. I have a life here now - full of friends, 'family', great restaurants, secret spots, etc. At home...I have some ocean, parents I like to see occasionally, and a bestie I wouldn't get to see much anyways. Oh...and a school I want to go to if I get in. After that though...I want to come back to Utah. I want to come back to pretty tulips and mountain trails. I want to play with a golden retriever and cuddle up with strawberry popsicles. I want to see Katie become a precocious little girl. And...let's be honest, I want my Kneaders french toast! If it's really about me leaving...I will be back...and..yeah. Who knows.

There's the update. I often wish that I didn't have such a relationship-based mind and life. I suppose that's just how I'm wired though and it's certainly not entirely a bad thing. I adore the relationships and bonds I create but, as apparent with R, have an incredibly difficult time when they end and I'm not ready for them to.

Here's to the future.

PostSecrets That I Desperately Want To Send In

I keep meaning to send in some PostSecrets...some in the hope that they'll make it to the right person...so here are the ones I want to do.

Whenever I pet a golden retriever…
I think of you and Jaffy…
And I smile a small, sad smile.

I’ll still wait…
But you can come back now.
The door is open and the porch light on.

I like this school…
But tickets are too damn expensive
For when I need an escape.

I’ve worked with hundreds of kids.
Out of those, I have seen about 5 children that make me want my own
And just a handful of parents that I admire and respect.
Parents: your actions have consequences…just look at your little hellions.

You are too easy.
I don’t need to convince you (me) of my worth…
And consequently, you bore me.
How sick is that?

George Anderson:
I’ve waited a long time for you…
What if you’re a lie?

We’re done…
But occasionally a part

of me cares

What Should I Do Then?

"Don't Judge A Book By It's Cover"

If that's the title for your photo album and these are the photos you're sharing...what the hell should I judge you on?

Hello...hello....hello!

Hmm so these reoccurring thoughts and dreams are starting to get a little obnoxious. I mean hell...it's already been a year since we truly dated...why am I still hung up on Mr. Ryan?

You all know my poor little tale of woes...yes, it's pathetic. Yes, I made a blubbering fool of myself Saturday night...and no, alcohol was not included.

I find myself in strangely nostalgic moods lately. Not just for Ryan even! Why am I missing Mark as well?

Here's my hypothesis: I see Andrew so infatuated with Liliane...and I miss that emotional connection. Yes, I enjoy the physical aspects of the fun I'm having currently. That being said, I miss cuddling up with Ryan and knowing it meant something. I miss being goofy with Hunter - running hand in hand. I miss being able to cry on Mark.

I don't really get those opportunities with Rox. I'm simply another asset to his 'household'. It's fine but I have, and always will, crave that emotional intimacy.

Here's to what was and what is yet to be. Staci - you damn well better be correct about George and UPS!