An Eeyore State Of Mind

I find myself only blogging when I'm in a funk. It's rather annoying as I wish I was inspired to write about fabulous things as well. Maybe that just requires practice.

So, here's the deal...It's January 8th...tomorrow is January 9th and a certain man-child turns 29. We shall refer to him as a man-child for he struggles with commitment and shit. Anyhoo, it's one of those days that I keep him in my thoughts extra because...well...just because. Mainly because I wish I had the chance to experience it with him. But alas, these things are not so.

That being said, it's been getting tougher and tougher recently. It's (of course) following it's usual trajectory. I hear from him, see him a couple times, he disappears...I do ok...do ok...do not so ok...do bad bad bad...and then I hear from him again. At least - that's been the pattern. Melissa (the T) has given me the go-ahead to email him next Wednesday. (Day before our appointment so that if I fuck up and freak out I have damage control 24 hours later).

I want answers....I want to know why he does it... My big thing is that I'm not sure if:
A. He contacts me because he wants to have sex, etc., but then feels guilty and drops off the earth.
B. He contacts me because he misses me but, as soon as we hang out, he's reminded that I'm leaving. Think about it... When we met up in October, he disappeared while I was back in WA...going to the graduate school I want to attend. The time before that, it was right after my birthday and I was finishing my junior year. I contacted him to tell him I was staying another year. Maybe the school year ending reminded him that it wasn't long before I'd be gone.

Here's the thing....I don't want to leave SLC...and certainly not simply for him. I have a life here now - full of friends, 'family', great restaurants, secret spots, etc. At home...I have some ocean, parents I like to see occasionally, and a bestie I wouldn't get to see much anyways. Oh...and a school I want to go to if I get in. After that though...I want to come back to Utah. I want to come back to pretty tulips and mountain trails. I want to play with a golden retriever and cuddle up with strawberry popsicles. I want to see Katie become a precocious little girl. And...let's be honest, I want my Kneaders french toast! If it's really about me leaving...I will be back...and..yeah. Who knows.

There's the update. I often wish that I didn't have such a relationship-based mind and life. I suppose that's just how I'm wired though and it's certainly not entirely a bad thing. I adore the relationships and bonds I create but, as apparent with R, have an incredibly difficult time when they end and I'm not ready for them to.

Here's to the future.

PostSecrets That I Desperately Want To Send In

I keep meaning to send in some PostSecrets...some in the hope that they'll make it to the right person...so here are the ones I want to do.

Whenever I pet a golden retriever…
I think of you and Jaffy…
And I smile a small, sad smile.

I’ll still wait…
But you can come back now.
The door is open and the porch light on.

I like this school…
But tickets are too damn expensive
For when I need an escape.

I’ve worked with hundreds of kids.
Out of those, I have seen about 5 children that make me want my own
And just a handful of parents that I admire and respect.
Parents: your actions have consequences…just look at your little hellions.

You are too easy.
I don’t need to convince you (me) of my worth…
And consequently, you bore me.
How sick is that?

George Anderson:
I’ve waited a long time for you…
What if you’re a lie?

We’re done…
But occasionally a part

of me cares

What Should I Do Then?

"Don't Judge A Book By It's Cover"

If that's the title for your photo album and these are the photos you're sharing...what the hell should I judge you on?

Hello...hello....hello!

Hmm so these reoccurring thoughts and dreams are starting to get a little obnoxious. I mean hell...it's already been a year since we truly dated...why am I still hung up on Mr. Ryan?

You all know my poor little tale of woes...yes, it's pathetic. Yes, I made a blubbering fool of myself Saturday night...and no, alcohol was not included.

I find myself in strangely nostalgic moods lately. Not just for Ryan even! Why am I missing Mark as well?

Here's my hypothesis: I see Andrew so infatuated with Liliane...and I miss that emotional connection. Yes, I enjoy the physical aspects of the fun I'm having currently. That being said, I miss cuddling up with Ryan and knowing it meant something. I miss being goofy with Hunter - running hand in hand. I miss being able to cry on Mark.

I don't really get those opportunities with Rox. I'm simply another asset to his 'household'. It's fine but I have, and always will, crave that emotional intimacy.

Here's to what was and what is yet to be. Staci - you damn well better be correct about George and UPS!

The 'Thing'

See here's the thing...life is really good.

I have incredible friends. Sure, I've had the opportunity to remember who my true friends are lately, but why is that so bad? It's actually a bit of a favor that she's done. These friends that I have...are some of the most selfless, giving, accepting people in the world - and I'm not just saying that because I'm biased. I firmly believe it. Therefore, here are some thank yous to those closest to me and those who've been there for me lately.

T: what in the world would I do without you? This has been a trying time for the both of us but the amount of support you've provided for me is unbelievable. I can't wait to come home to you, the Condo, our meeting at UPS, Target and Basil Thai adventures, etc. You are a true spirit and need to know that whomever manages to prove himself to you is beyond lucky. Do not settle. Take this opportunity to explore yourself, your world, your passions, your hates, etc. Someone had better work damn hard to get you.

Thank you for your unfaltering support - especially throughout the last 5 years. I can never thank you enough.

J: your empathy means so much to me. I cherish the knowledge that I can tell you anything and be confident that you won't judge me. Very few people are that amazing. You always see the best in me and, consequently, I strive to live up to your opinion of me. I've gotta say, that 'high regard' is one of only a few things keeping me from completely unleashing. I refuse to stoop that low - thank you for being my personal cheer squad both with this and with every other thing in my life.

Roomies: acceptance doesn't come often. I do my best to be a good person; to make good decisions. I appreciate your ability to see that in me. Plus, let's be honest, I love that I can vent and curse stuff out with you and hear your cursing just as loud. I know I can always count on your loyalty...oh and your yummy food too ;) Of course!

B: I'm so thrilled that we've been able to hang out. I've missed you tons and am so grateful to your hubby for inviting me to your party. More than that, I'm blessed to have you back in my life. I only hope that I can, in some small way, add to your life as well. Please, if there's anything you ever need, don't hesitate to ask. You know I'd do it in a heartbeat. You are a truly amazing woman and I'm thrilled for you on...exciting things. :D

A: I'm saddened by the fact that you're leaving soon. You have no idea how much I value the chance to vent to you. Knowing that someone is there with me helps out a lot. It's hard right now...you know why...but I'm grateful for our midnight talks and that exchange of knowing looks the next morning. You are an incredible individual. Refuse to let titles define you. Whatever happens, you will be able to handle it.

Parents: it's been a long time coming but you're finally becoming my friends and not just parents. I doubt that many people have such an open and equal relationship with their parental unit and I feel quite fortunate for that terrible family therapy that brought us together. Thank you for being ok with my 2am calls...my need for independence, the crazy price of my school, etc. You truly are magnificent.

That is all. I am blessed. I am honored to have such a rich and full life. I plan on remembering how fortunate I am every day and, as much as I can, help to enrich someone else's life - regardless of the form that takes. I'm starting with you. I won't go there. There's the stark contrast.

Dear God, It's Me...Devon

What is it about human nature that requires us to continually want something better...bigger...more beautiful..etc?

I don't like being 21. I want to be 25. I want to be 25, happily together with George, being awesome at my job, buying a house, able to rent a car...fabulously me.

How come everyone around me is busy getting married? Having kids?

Sure, being single is fun...and I'd much rather be single than in a relationship that sucks. God - I see far too many of those around too. Here's the thing though...I'm impatient. I want it all now. Of courseeeeee it'll be perfect...I'll be 25. I'll be amazing. I won't cry, won't feel stressed, won't get angry. Something like that, right?

Blah.

If I had someone to do it with me though....a person to cuddle up with at night. A person who's puppy makes walking to the bathroom in the middle of the night impossible without licks. A person who puts on Finding Nemo for me. A person who occasionally lets me into his inner-workings...a secret place I feel few get to witness. A person who carries me to bed where we proceed to eat strawberry popsicles.

What are you doing tonight? Are you watching tv with Jaffy? Are you having a beer with a buddy? Working on your bike? Doing laundry? Already passed out? Making burritos?

Why are you not texting me? Why are you not opening the door a bit? Each day it gets harder to resist the urge to call you...reach out...

You haunt my dreams, plague my driving...and overwhelm my emotions - over and over.

Please...I need to feel your arms around me again...revel in your comfort and contentment. Just let me know when - I'll only ever wait for you...but it sure as hell doesn't mean I want to have to wait.